German  prose poet and philosopher- among other labels- Friedrich Nietzsche, had once thought of love to be “the most angelic instinct”. There are various questions encompassing the concept of love, such as what it truly means, or where it originates from, or even, how does one fall in love?

In 1990, Arthur Aron, Ph.D., Elaine Aron, Ph.D., alongside other researchers formulated the “36 questions to fall in love” as an experiment between strangers to see if they could develop an intimate connection.  The results obviously have varied, but presently, these questions are now used to form a closer bond and understanding in relationships.

As Valentine’s week dawns, perhaps this experimental activity could be tried and implemented between partners to avail them, and even for the mere purpose of fun and entertainment!

There are three sets of questions, each set meant to be spent 15 or so minutes on, with each question being more intense than the last. Simply read the questions and have both persons answer or do what is asked to the best of their capabilities and comfort. Ensure that the same amount of time is spent on each set, so if the time has passed, and a set has not been finished yet, proceed to the next set, regardless.

The questions are as follows:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you (already) like about them.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

After the final question, the couple must spend four uninterrupted minutes gazing into each other’s eyes.

Self-disclosure, perceived similarities, and a want to develop a close relationship are what have been found to enhance the development of sentiments of intimacy in this experiment.

To learn more about the formulation and specifics of this study, check out “The Science of Love with Arthur Aron” video, available on YouTube. https://youtu.be/gVff7TjzF3A