The Valkyrie will no longer be publishing news stories, The Valkyrie reports. According to an official policy statement put out on X over the weekend, journalism is a ‘woke’ profession and is therefore punishable by brutal censorship and probably excorcism. Woodbridge High’s student-run news site, The Valkyrie, will be shutting down its extensive facilities by the end of the week to avoid such consequences.

“It was a matter of time,” said a by-choice anonymous student reporter. “They recognize real power when they see it.” The reporter was later forced into solitary confinement after using the term ‘bloated tyrant’ in an op-ed about a nameless executive official.

Fox News has inexplicably gained traction, despite the government’s recent statement.

(The remainder of this article – a heartfelt goodbye from The Valkyrie’s staff – has been blocked).

Disclaimer: This article has been published for satirical purposes only. The information found in this piece is not factual or based in reality. The information found in this piece is not intended to directly defame, discriminate against, objectify, or target specific individuals and/or demographics.